Do Well on Asian Dating Sites: Stop Making These Mistakes

For almost all men, dating apps are the easiest way to meet Asian women, whether or not they’re in the same country as the women. For the same reason, there are countless men of all ages and nationalities on these apps. Bitter, dirty men. Don’t worry, I’m not going all man-shaming on you here. I’m a guy, too.

There are players, liars, and fake profiles abound on these sites.

Girls will love you for a few days and then vanish.

You’ll craft a super witty and personal note to them, and they’ll reply, “ok” or “thanks”.

I don’t blame you for getting frustrated. But I do blame you for being stupid. And you’re not helping yourself or your fellow gentlemen when you do it.

The biggest mistakes men make on Asian dating apps are often similar to mistakes they make in their love (of lack of love) lives in general. This is aimed mainly at Western or Asian men from developed economies.

Sadly, many of these men get bitter or dirty. They say nasty things, ask for nasty photos, complain and curse. There are decent girls on these apps, if you use the right ones and hang in there. Specifically, paid apps (often with accompanying websites), like Thai Cupid, Christian Filipina, and some of the local apps in places like Malaysia can have girls who are both seriously seeking a relationship and not out to scam you.

Men being men, we still blow it. I spoke with an Asian lady who’s a “old hand” at these apps and found the 10 biggest mistakes men make on these apps.

Writing a short or dull bio

You may find writing a bio silly, which is why some guys don’t bother writing anything at all.

But how can she know you if you don’t write anything about yourself? Maybe you think race or nationality are enough. If you do, you’re just setting yourself up to get scammed or dropped without a trace. Or ignored.

Write a bio. Keep it short and simple. Make it at least 30 or 40 words. No need for a life story or an essay. Many of these girls aren’t fluent in English, and a wall of text will simply make them swipe left.

Write something that will make them interested in you — enough to start a conversation. Focus on a few strong points that would best describe you as a person. Don’t brag. I’ll guarantee you there are other guys with more money, better jobs, and more impressive achievements.

Talk about positive emotions and be honest. Share your hobbies and passions. Talk briefly about what you’re looking for.

That’s all.

Choosing the wrong type of photos

With swipe-type apps, sad but true, but a lot of girls are simply going to judge you on your photo. That’s their right. You do the same. So look like a good guy.

My informant gave me this short list of the most common mistakes men make in choosing their photos:

  • Group photos – Don’t make it hard for your potential match to find you in a group photo. Yes, it’s good to have friends, but there will always be girls who find your friends more attractive than you. If they even know which one you are. If you put photos with friends, blur the other faces. And don’t put yourself next to anyone who’ll make you look short or scrawny.
  • Photos with women – Women are, for the most part, more insecure than men. Especially Asian women who are in constant competition with one another to be attractive. In the West, it may validate you to be in a photo with your sister or some hiking friends. In the East, you won’t gain much from this. In fact, my informant tells me it highly likely she’ll think you’re in a relationship or married. Immediate left-swipe. Simple rule: no photos with women, of any age.
  • Too many photos – More photos give her more chances to rule you out. She may like your top shot, and even be OK with the next couple, but that beach photo… ugh, gives her the creeps. Choose 3-4 photos that shows your best features and suggest you have a life. Ask a few women friends for a 2nd opinion. Split test often and get rid of the ones that get no response.
  • Gym/topless photos – Even if you’re jacked, a topless photo will make her think you’re full of yourself or looking for a quick fling. Even if you are, you don’t want to look like it. Worse even, and this is what I’ve seen (and even been guilty of), is that you’re not as hot as you think you are. Take a look at some dude’s photos. Sorry man, they’re hotter than you. Younger too. You’ll lose that one. But if you’ve got a nice, clean look with a friendly smile, that will get you much farther than your pecs.
  • Photos of your pet, an object, or a place… without you in it – My informant tells me, OK, she gets it, you love animals (or your car, or travel or whatever). But she doesn’t get why you’d put a photo of your German shepherd without you in it. She sees no point in photos that don’t have a person in them; that person in this case is you. This is a bit of a cultural and gender thing, too. Because, especially among Japanese, Koreans, and Chinese, you’re as likely to see a photo of a slice of cake, some castle in Europe, or K-pop singer as you are a photo of them. Southeastern Asians, however, such as Thais and Filipinas, will have a bunch of selfies. It’s different for girls, especially girls from better-off countries.

    They know guys are perving over their photos and these girls are always having to put up with dirty requests from thirsty and unsophisticated men. So they often limit it to one or two photos, perhaps at a distance or angle, or from the back. Southeast Asians don’t usually have a problem with a series of similar shots of themselves. And they don’t have as many girly items to show off. I quite like that.

    As for you, I’m told, she just wants to see you. But I personally think it’s more of a Southeast Asia thing. Girls anywhere do want to see you, and many like to see that you love animals. I say if you’re looking for girls from Japan, Korea, China, maybe Thailand or Vietnam, include a shot with pets if you have one. And include a shot of you enjoying sports or hobbies. Japan’s a bit weird, I think it’s OK to have a shot of your cooking or your dog. But Japan’s kind of weird like that.

Using pet names and terms of endearment really soon

A red flag goes up when you start calling her “honey”, “baby”, or “sweetheart” in the first few messages, or even before you meet. It makes you similar to a cat-caller. These are supposed to be words that mean something, that means she’s special to you.

A few notes I’ll add about regions. Filipino women can in fact be very quick to use terms like these. Don’t make too much of it. Especially on apps, if she’s comfortable with calling you honey, she’s probably comfortable with using it on many other men. You’re very unlikely to ever hear this from a Japanese or a Korean girl. The flipside of that, however, and I’ve observed this, is north Asian girls can be more charmed by this sort of language because their own countrymen are so cold and distant.

The “ladies’ first” Westerner isn’t nearly as yearned for as he used to be, but there are many Western (and Asian and Middle Eastern and African) men who toss around “baby” and “I love you” as a not-so-secret weapon.

I find the universally best names are silly and fun, like something you’d use with your little sister. If she giggles a lot, call her “Giggles”. If she’s short, call her “shortie” or “short stuff”. If she has a really hard name to pronounce, or even if it’s not, give her a Western name or a Disney name. Don’t be mean and don’t bully. Just tease.

Lying about your age

Yeah, I’m not going to lie to you, age does matter. When I crossed into my 40s, I immediately got fewer responses on dating apps. I knew 50-something fellow who had the body of an athletic man half his age, and he’d just post a picture of a torso and call himself 30-something. He said it worked for him, but the couple of times I’ve dabbled in age-adjustment the girls did not take it well.

I guess the difference is I’m generally a very honest person. I can’t live with her thinking I’m 10 or 20 years younger, even if I don’t look my age. And my information from Southeast Asia says that middle-aged men are desirable to her. It means they’re more stable.

Wherever you are, own your age. She’s going to find out eventually anyhow.

Being boring

“Hey” “Sup” “hi…” These are the words that only a hunky college student might get away with, and even then. I’m guessing that’s not you. Use your words.

Find a detail from her bio or her photos and ask her about it or do a cold read. If she wrote a sincere bio and posted a reasonably accurate photo of herself, it’s because she wants to be straight with you. She wants you to know her.

You meet a lot of women in these dating apps. You might even have a lot matches. And you’ll get to the point where you might stop giving a damn.

So you just do a “hey” and if she doesn’t respond well screw her. If that’s you, take a break.

Another possibility is…

Overdoing it with the matches or not giving up on ones who aren’t into you

Getting matches makes you feel good about yourself. But the more you get, the harder it is narrow down your choices and to get personal. For the most part, keep the ones that engage with you the most and let go of the ones you didn’t feel a connection with.

I’ve been through this, and I do encourage chatting with a few girls, because half are going to disappear without notice. You’ll write to them for 3 months and then one day you realize their profile is gone.

But when she’s responding within a day to your message, she’s keen. So if you’re keen, these are the ones you should stick with. If she’s replying with a word or two and you’re writing full sentences. If she’s never asking questions. If she turns up every week or so.

These are all low-effort girls who are highly unlikely to work out for you.

If she starts asking for money, well sir, that’s beyond the scope of this post.

Not taking the initiative

The world is gearing toward a place where women take the lead even when making the first move in a relationship. Unlike Tinder and other dating apps, Bumble initiated the idea where women make the first move, which clearly paints the picture of a modern, strong independent woman.

But the Western ideas of a strong independent woman might not make sense, might not be appealing, and might be different for Asian women. I’m not talking about the make-rice-walk-on-back stereotypes of the submissive Asian, I’m talking about how women see themselves and their roles.

Asian women wield power behind the scenes in most any Asian culture. In Japan, they usually manage the finances. In China, they manage, well, everything. There we go with stereotypes again.

The point is, for many Asian women it’s illogical and backwards for women to make the first move. That’s just what men do. That’s what’s expected of them. In the case of Asians such as Thais and Japanese, they might try to encourage the men along in exceedingly subtle ways. Such as by making indirect suggestions, or simply by implying they might be available. Some other Asian women, such as Koreans and Filipinas may be a bit more forward and physical.

Men should take the lead. A little chit-chat and move things along.

That also is a big problem with dating apps when you’re geographically far apart. There’s only so far you can go – both figuratively and literally. On the whole, dating apps are much better used when you have the chance of meeting her soon in person; either when you’re in the country or heading there soon.

Being too straightforward

So now I said, and my informant confirmed, you should be assertive and take the initiative – don’t be too forward.

Take things slower rather than faster, in most cases. Take some time to move things along. Yes indeed, in some countries you can get a Tinder match and she can be at a restaurant near you in a couple of hours. But you should seriously consider what she may be expecting. And seriously consider locking up your valuables.

Knowing a person does take a bit of time, especially if you’re meeting them online. How much time? That can vary wildly. It does seem to be getting a bit longer, as women have to deal with so many dodgy guys to find the one(s) she can trust. It didn’t used to be like that. You have to earn her trust.

Don’t be surprised if she blocks you after you say you want to meet up. It’s just too much for her. She’d rather go running to the safe skinny arms of some local city hall worker. Just forget about these aggressive and pushy foreigners altogether. You ruined it for us all.

I kid, I kid. Somewhat.

This outcome is most likely in the better-off countries. You’ll probably get some extra chances in the poorer countries.

Setting up an unsafe date or pushing for a meetup at your place

So you did everything right (somehow) and you’re finally ready to meet up, and you take the initiative in asking her out. Great.

Do you:

a) offer to take her on a resort trip with you paying for everything?

b) offer to cook her dinner at your place?

c) ask her if she prefers coffee or going to check out a night market?

C is clearly the safe bet. Meet her somewhere pubic and safe. That may turn out to be for your benefit, too, if she proves to have been a master at photo filters. Have that coffee, or enjoy that night market, then see how it goes. If she’s down for the resort trip or the dinner, be darn sure you get her on webcam first.

Usually, if you suggest a date that’s way over the top or so obviously you trying to bed her, she’ll disappear or never show up.

Easiest option of all if you’re anywhere in Southeast Asia is… the mall.

If you’re in Japan, Korea, China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, then coffee in a trendy or interesting neighborhood is a good bet. If you’ve already spoken by video and you’re feeling confident about it, then you can try for a drink or a walk in your neighborhood a bit later in the day.

As in the West, dinner and movies are both cliché and awkward, as you’re either sitting opposite each other and stuck with each other, or you have no chance to speak to each other.

Finally, when you’ve got a good one, continuing to use the app

If you’re still lurking around on dating sites and apps after you have a special girl, ask yourself why. Sure, if you’ve seen her once or twice and you’re clear you don’t want anything serious, then it’s good, even healthy, to see multiple girls.

But if you’re trying to get serious, or even get married, delete the app. Trust me, many girls will try to check your phone. Japanese girls are better about this, based on my experience, though it’s happened. I’ve heard Chinese girls will even insist on checking their boyfriends’ phones. That’s a bit much, but hey, not my culture.

Conclusion

There are many dating apps for meeting Asian women these days, you’ll usually have plenty of competition, and there’s a lot to frustrate you. As I alluded to above, if you don’t have a chance of meeting a girl soon, it may be better to just leave them alone entirely.

Be wary of the scammers. Be wary of the girls who fall for you quickly. And don’t take it too seriously until it comes time to meet. Until then, be smooth, be cool, and don’t be that sicko idiot who asks for dirty photos. You’re messing it up for all of us.

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